Well, it’s taken 11 weeks, but Anne has finally developed the baby bump. Check out the photo to the left. Most of you probably haven’t seen Anne in a while so you’re like, hm, baseline photo. THAT IS EXACTLY MY PLAN. [wrings hands] Anne is a thin beautiful woman and she would probably be humiliated by this also-thin beautiful picture that I’m posting. But there is a bump there. The plan is to document the progression of the bump as time goes on.
It happened basically overnight. Which I guess makes sense, given what’s written in What To Expect in the Expectation of Expecting to Expect:
“Week 10 At nearly 1.5 inches long (about the size of a prune), your baby is growing by leaps and bounds.
[…]
Week 11 Your baby is just over 2 inches long now and weighs about a third of an ounce.
[…]
Week 12 Your baby has more than doubled in size during the past three weeks, weighing in now at .5 ounces and measuring (crown to rump) about 2.5 inches. About the size of a large fresh plum, your baby’s body is hard at work in the development department.”
First of all, um, hello? How big is it at week 11? I need fruit metaphors to picture my baby accurately. What’s between a desiccated and a fresh plum? A large walnut? And no, we will not be changing our blog title weekly based on the food metaphor. Partly because at week 15 it would be called “The Spicy Navel Orange.” That sounds stupid.
Also, “crown to rump?” I want my wife to give birth to our baby, not roast it to perfection.
The baby bump happened practically overnight. Anne said that literally one day she noticed that she was having a bit of trouble buttoning her well-fitting jeans. Obviously, it was not something I noticed. For the same reason that a man trains himself not to ask any woman if she’s pregnant, even if she is, at the time, giving birth. It’s too dangerous. Even your pregnant wife might resent your saying, “Hey, is it just me, or are you just a LITTLE fatter than yesterday?” We men have trained ourselves not to notice these things.
But even the small bump has caused some discomfort with Anne’s perfect-fitting jeans. Luckily there’s a product called the Bella Band that you can buy that allows you to unbutton your pants but connect them together at the top so it doesn’t LOOK like your pants are unbuttoned. (I will be shocked if it doesn’t have a “Made in the U.S.A.” tag. Also if its original purpose is maternity-related.) Now Anne can secretly behave like the People of Wal-Mart and no one will know.
We just had another ultrasound on Thursday, so look expect another media-rich post coming soon on The Spicy Peanut.
And finally, a reminder: longcat is long.
Is this also going to turn into a fashion blog? Will Anne’s outfit change with the picture as you proceed? Or will you have her dress the same each time in the name of scientifically cutting down on the variables introduced into each picture? Will cats continue to stretch out onto her lap? Good god, man, you’ve opened a pandora’s box with this “plan” of yours.
Good point; perhaps consistency will be key with her outfit. Cats will continue to stretch in her lap, but there is uncertainty as to whether this will be documented.